Resolving Conflict With Your Child
- Rachael
- Jul 31
- 2 min read
Let me tell you my top tips for helping to resolve conflict with your child, especially your teenager. Firstly, let me reassure you that conflict and disagreements (including heated ones) are normal between parents & their kids. It can be hard and heartbreaking- but there are some things I recommend you do to assist the repair of the relationship.
1. Ground Yourself First
Before initiating a conversation:
Prioritise regulating your own nervous system first (e.g., tapping, deep breathing, brief walk). This will help to keep you calm. As the parent/adult in the relationship, it’s your job to be the responsible and regulated one.
Remind yourself: “This is a developing young person, not a personal attack.”
Aim to lead with calm, not control.
2. Choose the Right Moment & Format
Avoid starting the conversation in the heat of the moment.
Choose a time where both of you are relatively calm.
Consider a side-by-side activity (e.g., driving, walking, getting a snack)—this can reduce emotional intensity compared to face-to-face.
3. Open with Vulnerability & Ownership
Start by modelling responsibility:
“I’ve been thinking about the other night. I didn’t like how it went, and I know I played a part in that and I want to apologise... I want to talk it through with you because I care about our relationship.”
Keep the focus on repair, not blame. Imagine that instead of both of you being against each other, you’re trying to be united against the shared problem you’re experiencing together.
4. Get Curious, Not Confrontational
Invite them to share:
“Can you help me understand what was going on for you when we were both upset?”
“How did you feel when I asked you to [do the thing]?”
Use neutral language. Avoid words like “disrespectful”—try “hurt,” “shut down,” or “disconnected” instead.
5. Validate Their Experience
Even if you don’t agree, validate the emotion behind it:
“That makes sense that you felt frustrated.”
“It’s okay to feel overwhelmed—everyone does sometimes.”
Validation builds trust and paves the way for future influence.
6. Re-state Your Boundary (Calmly & Clearly)
Once emotional safety is rebuilt, gently reaffirm the limit:
“It’s still important to me that we all (insert complaint).”
“You don’t have to agree, but you do need to follow the routine. We can work together to make it easier.”
7. Invite Collaboration
Offer choice within limits to increase autonomy:
“Would it help to get it over with earlier so you don’t feel rushed?”
“What would make it easier for us to avoid that kind of fight next time?”
Teenagers are more likely to comply when they feel heard and included, and also when they are part of the process of making decisions and understanding the consequences.
8. Reassure & Reconnect
End on a relational note:
“Even when we clash, I still want to have a good relationship with you.”
“I care about you, and I want to figure this out together.”
Let them feel they belong.
Remember to:
Keep it short: Long lectures or emotional outpourings often overwhelm teens.
Watch your tone: It's not just what you say, but how you say it.
Repair is more important than being ‘right’.
Pick your battles: Prioritise relational safety over rigid enforcement of rules.
Below is a PDF handout that includes all these tips- please feel free to print/download/share!
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